(my 2nd cousin Angeline and I with Baby Christian a week after she was born April 2007)First off, I would like to thank Molly, Grandma and the girls for coming. I know it wasn't like getting an eagle scout thing, but it meant alot that we could share that experience together. I know I wasn't showing much emotion, but right after they left I bawled my eyes out like a sissy.
Yesterday was the dinner for birthmoms and adoptive couples at the Lion House in Temple Square. We all ate dinner at round tables with different colored roses for centerpieces. It was great to be surrounded by friends old and new.
After we ate our dinner, testimonials from adoptive couples and birthmom's alike were said around the room. I passed when the chance came up to me the first time. Molly was standing up in the back holding Christian to quiet her (and I with Ashton). Then Chrisitian dropped the toy she was playing with making a bang. I thought that was my que.
I shared what an amazing experience this has all been and expressed how greatful I was to be one of the lucky ones. My birthfather didn't fight for custody, he was cooperative, I had an easy pregnancy, and a great family who just isn't my adoptive couple and sends me pictures every now and then, but considers me their family (and I consider them mine). I think the spirit and Heavenly Father had a huge part to play in the calm atmosphere. I think that's why placing Christian wasn't extremely as hard as I've heard other birth mom's express.
After testimonials Christian and "Milly" were being too loud so Molly decided to leave (as much as she hated to but the kids were cranky.) That's when Juliet decided to get up and sing "From his arms to mine to yours" and the tears flowed. I'm not sure what it is about that specific song, but it always gets me.
We then had closing prayer and recieved gifts. We were handed a CD with tear jerking sngs as I'm learning about right now. I'm typing this and listening to it. Even tho I think I'm pretty okay and have come to terms with placing Christian, I'm glad that this CD expresses the feelings I sometimes have or thoughts I sometimes wonder. The CD also came with some chocolates and we were able to go around to each table and pick the roses we wanted.
All around I was so glad to have had this experience because I truely believe things happen for a reason and that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. We make choices and stray from our paths, but thats where if they're not the birghtest of choices, with Faith, Heavenly Father will guide us. Sometimes our choices we make also put us on the hard road to help strengthen our faith.
I'm so greatful I can call Molly my mother when I talk to people. I know I don't have to explain things to anyone, and am greatful to have that strength. I know what being a parent is like now, and honestly there are some days that if Ashton isn't ripping my hair out, I feel like I need to. Cass and I were talking yesterday saying how we didn't want to have to be on welfare and deal with the birthfathers and were afraid that if we had kept our babies then we wouldn't have been as loving, that we would eventually have resentment toward them. We know they deseve better. I've had people tell me I could have just had an abortion and live life like I wanted. As true as that seems, I don't believe murder is a free path spiritually. I wanted Christian to have the best home she could possibly have. I wanted her to see what an actual family could be like, and start off with the things I wasn't able to have in my life.
I miss Christian so much and last night everyone told me how cute she was and would just watch her. I watched how she interacted with Grandma and Molly and baby Milly and Ashton. She is a bright girl and her spirit is so strong. I don't think if I had kept her that she would be like how she s today. All of the things I watch with her I apply to how things could have been and I'm glad to say that walking in the dark is hard when guided by nothing but a small light. You stumble and might fall, but when you get to where light surrounds you, your journey was worth it and you're a stronger person after.
Because of all of these things I can say I don't let this define me or wear it on my sleeve. That doens't mean Im heartless and don't think of Christian. I do alot, but I have confidence this all happened because I was guided by Heavenly Father. Matt & Molly couldn't have kids, they had trouble adopting. I just helped Christian find her parents, and that's how I see it. So when people put me down and say I don't love her, I quote the LDS Family Serivce Adoption "Adoption is love". That quote used to bother me, but as I say it more and more to myself I find it true.
I hope other birthmother's could have a great experience like I did. I hope they realize this isn't the end of the world. They can still meet good guys, go to college, finish high school, and be who they want to be. I'm slowly getting to that point myself, but I'm doing it.
Matt and Molly- I love you both so much and even feel guilty sometimes not calling you mom and dad. But in my heart and when I talk that is the title I associate you both with. I love you guys so much more than words can say and am greatful to have been in your home in a time of need and learn the things I did. I'm greatful for your wonderful families that have opend their arms to me and welcomed me into their lives.
Thanks so much, I love you all. I love Heavenly Father for being there in my times of need and even when I don't need him as much I know he watches me. Thanks to everyone who has helped me through this journey.
No comments:
Post a Comment